These words, commonly quoted within the Jewish world, and, I hope, throughout the general population, carry great meaning.  As a Self Esteem Facilitator and psychotherapist, it is my goal to help people understand that caring for oneself is a mandate and that, like the instructions given by flight attendants on airplanes, you must care for yourself first if you are going to do your best caring for others.

Anyone who is a parent experiences not only joy, pleasure and fun, but also some frustration, disappointment, anger, even on occasion feelings of incompetence and exasperation. 

These are natural emotions when we are parenting the “average” child with “average” needs. But what about parents of a “special needs” child or children? And what happens when special children are part of a larger family, with parents trying to meet all their needs? Needless to say, it can be overwhelming, leaving one feeling drained, depleted, and maybe, sometimes, even defeated.

So how can these parents “be” for themselves--maintaining a feeling of self-worth and self-renewal--while fulfilling what they believe to be their responsibilities to their children?

I’d like to share a story offered by a woman participating in a group of special-needs parents.  The theme of the group was “Why aren’t I getting what I want out of life?”  This woman said she had been at a desperate point.  She told her husband she didn’t think she could go on.  It wasn’t just dealing with all the children and their needs and demands; there were additional issues in life pulling at her, and she was just too overwhelmed.  Her husband asked, “If you could do one thing, whatever you want, what would it be?”  She said what she wanted was impossible--they lived in Chicago, it was the middle of the winter, and she had no time to do it.  “Well, what is it?” he asked.  “I’d like to learn how to scuba-dive.”

For their anniversary, which was not long after that, during a celebratory dinner, he presented her with an envelope.  Inside was a gift certificate for scuba diving lessons given by an instructor in Chicago.  Included was his promise to be at home with the children when she took her lessons.  Not only did she learn to scuba-dive, she became such an expert that she eventually received her advanced certification, which is reserved for accomplished divers.

Knowing Yourself

There are several key factors at play here.  But the first and most salient one is knowing what you want. It is so instilled in us to do what someone else wants us to do or needs us to do.  So, if you are a parent feeling somewhat overwhelmed and needing some relief, first think about what it is you want.  It doesn’t have to be as exotic as scuba diving.  I knew someone who would always feel replenished by taking a long, quiet bath.  Or it could be taking a walk, browsing a mall, having a cappuccino with a friend, or alone.  The main feature should be a sense of self: “This is for me, I deserve it, and I’m worth it.”

Another tactic that could prove to be very helpful is finding a therapy or support group.  It could be a group specifically formed for people with a common situation (i.e., “Parents of Autistic Children,” or “Parents of Developmentally Disabled Children”), which is the best idea if you are looking for concrete suggestions and advice.  Or, if you just want a place where you can express yourself freely and with the guarantee of confidentiality, then a general on-going group would work as well.

Why is this a good idea?  Nobody is quite sure why--but being in a group, developing relationships, and feeling safe and connected has a way of helping people evolve, become more creative, acquire the ability to set boundaries and achieve their goals.  Not only that, the time spent traveling back and forth to the group is your time.  Time to express yourself and to be with your thoughts and feelings.  Keeping the cell phone off for as long as possible (especially during group) adds to the richness of the experience.

Practical Suggestions

So who’s going to watch the kids while you’re doing this?  Well, if a spouse is not available, think hard; perhaps another family member or a neighbor is available.  Of course, there is the option of paying for a babysitter/caretaker, but if that is not possible, you may be able to find high-school students who are seeking chesed or community service hours.  Organizations might offer respite services.  Or, perhaps you could “swap” time with another person who is also looking for some time off.

There are things to do while you’re ‘stuck’ at home, too.  Music is a great spirit-lifter and tension reliever Make sure to have some tapes or CDs available. 

Affirmations and visualizations, too, are very powerful tools that can not only help people cope with their situation, but can also change their attitude and approach, even the situation itself.

Affirmations are strong, positive statements that should always be phrased in the present tense, as if what you want to be happening is already happening.  These would be statements like: “I am always calm and in control,” “I am capable and I am easily handling all situations that arise.”  Develop five to ten such statements and just recite them to yourself whenever the opportunity arises (usually while showering, driving, or preparing dinner).

A good place to start, kind of a springboard for your own ideas, are the following four generic affirmations (which I actually picked up from an article on self-esteem that first taught me about this technique):

• I am competent
• I am creative
• I deserve respect
• I own this day

Visualizations are another powerful technique. It involves creating a scenario in your mind for a specific purpose.  The purpose, in this case, might be to help you calm down.  Think about situations in which you feel relaxed and peaceful.  It could be that luxurious bath, being at the beach, or walking in a field of wild flowers.  It doesn’t matter what, as long as it has meaning for you.  Just close your eyes, even for a minute or two, and picture yourself engaged in that activity--or lack of activity! 

Make the visualization as specific as possible, including as many details as you can.  While you’re doing it, of course, recognize how relaxed you are and how good you feel.  This can be done any place you can be alone for a few minutes, even, in the bathroom, if necessary.  These little 2-minute vacations can really help restore a sense of peace and the ability to go on. 

You can also use visualizations to prepare for a stressful situation.  Again, make them as specific as possible and see yourself being exactly as you wish to be.  Each time you do this, it’s a rehearsal and preparation for the actual event.

Take a Breath

I recently read of a new study on stress reduction, which I’d like to share with you: According to David Katz, MD, one of the best and easiest ways to manage stress is by deep breathing.  Not only does deep breathing reduce muscle and emotional tension, it can also temporarily lower blood pressure and heart rate and deliver a quick rush of additional oxygen to cells.  There’s even some evidence that brief but regular deep breathing sessions can reduce food cravings, improve sleep quality, and boost energy levels. 

Just sit in a comfortable chair, feet flat on the floor, close your eyes, and breathe deeply, letting all the air out on expiration.  It’s best to do this for 3 to 5 minutes, twice a day.

The bottom line is that as caretakers, you have to accept and believe that you are worthy and are not only entitled, but obligated to take care of yourselves by doing whatever is necessary to feel appreciated and renewed. This allows you to go on and do what needs to be done.  You must also accept that any and all feelings you have are legitimate and acceptable, including anger, resentment, fears, and so on.  They are all part of the human condition.  In accepting that fact, you accept yourself and come to recognize and believe that you, as you are right now, are exactly enough. 

Nancy Silberman Zwiebach, MA, PD is a certified self-esteem facilitator, a certified school psychologist, and a sought-after motivational speaker.  A graduate group therapist, she has a private psychotherapy practice in Paramus, New Jersey, and is director of "School Psychs on Call."

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