A young woman who participates in one of my programs in Yedei Chesed walked into my office to complain. It seemed that the other participants were all involved in putting together a mailing for the agency, and she did not want to participate. I told her that although it would be nice to have her join the others, and that her work would be greatly appreciated, ultimately she had free will and that no one would or could force her to do anything. I then added that if she wanted to simply sit and watch, that would be okay, too. I was not there for the ensuing dialogue between this young woman and the staff, but when I stopped in about five minutes later, things were not good. She and the staff were both upset and they were referring to her as “disrespectful” and “abusive.” Somehow the lines of communication and comprehension had become scrambled, and everyone was clearly distressed.

What Went Wrong?

This consumer’s disability, in general, manifested itself as a problem with processing, comprehension, and communication. Her understanding of a given situation was completely different from the other people around her. Predictably in this situation, she did not communicate her thoughts effectively and the staff had reacted in kind, rather than taking the time to realize that her “disrespect” and “abuse” was not behavioral, but rather a manifestation of her disability.

A young child who screams uncontrollably about his broken toy is not being obnoxious; he’s just reacting to what he perceives to be a major tragedy. The staff, in this situation, made several errors, not the least of which was mislabeling this young woman. She, in turn, reacted to the labeling, not because she understood the actual words, but rather because she sensed their frustration with her. I am certain that she did not understand the words, “abuse” or “disrespect;” however, even if she did, I am certain she would not know how these words applied to her actions. It was a clear case of people sharing the same space speaking two completely different languages.

The individual with special needs has to learn “social appropriateness;” that is, how to behave in various social situations, in order to function as part of the community. Often, what we may define as “abusive” may be misinterpreted by others. Many times they do not mean to be purposely rude to authority figures; it may simply be that there is a problem with their cognitive processing, or their general perception of the situation. Although it’s true that we have to define to them in very specific terms which behavior may be appropriate, and which is not, we also have to understand that we need to teach rather than chastise. Over time, and with practice, relative to their disability, they will then learn to comprehend, or at least be conditioned, how to act correctly in different social situations.

Knowledge is Power!

We have to understand our children and young adults are individuals who have very specific ways of seeing and dealing with the world. Once we understand this, we can then, to a certain extent, predict their reactions to specific situations. For example, there are consumers who should not be exposed to loud, public places, such as malls or carnivals. Additionally, there are consumers who react very strongly to certain words, colors, or people. If one knows that they will be exposed to these things, they will require extensive preparation; and if they are not prepared, and they act inappropriately, we must realize that they are not being disrespectful, they are simply reacting to the situation as they see it. We must realize that our special population consists of individual human beings with feelings, just like the rest of us. However, their perceptions and sense of space and time may be different than ours. Our job is to help them function in our world by modeling for them, and teaching them, rather than assuming, reacting, and labeling their actions as misbehavior. We have to understand that what we call their “behaviors” in a given set of circumstances is a combination of their background and their individual reaction to what may be an incomprehensible situation for them. When we find ourselves in unfamiliar situations, we also may act in ways that others might regard as inappropriate.

A friend of mine was visiting people in another country. They were sitting around and happened to mention how a certain individual seemed very “ugly.” My friend was completely confused, and responded in a way that the others considered inappropriate. He had not realized that in that location, “ugly” meant being in a bad mood. He responded like an American among foreigners; like a “disabled” person to the “abled.”

We also react to given situations based on our intellect, emotions, and what is happening in our surroundings at any given point in time. However, an individual with processing or perceptual difficulties is receiving a completely different message than ours; and a different message will inevitably produce a different reaction. It would be behavioral if they were getting the same message as us and choosing to react in a completely different or bizarre fashion. Their reaction to their perception, however, is appropriate.

All human beings deserve to be understood, and to feel secure in their surroundings. We all know how frustrating it is to be misread and misunderstood, rather than be treated with sensitivity. When dealing with individuals with special needs, we must realize that things are not necessarily what they appear to be. Actions and reactions are the manifestation of an entire internal world – a world that may be quite unlike what we would call “the norm.” Our job is to help these young people by showing them the appropriate and accepted ways to solve problems and deal with the frustrations that come up in their lives. We must realize that by being supportive and instructive, rather than just reactive, we are much more effective in relating to and entering the worlds of those we love and want to help.

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