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In Response: No Need to Keep a Secret (September 2006)
By: Yosef Waxman

In the laws of mourning (Shulchan Aruch YD 376:1) we are taught that when one enters a mourner’s home to console him, the visitor is not allowed to initiate a conversation. This is in case the mourner is not up to having a verbal conversation due to emotional, mental or physical strain; we do not wish to overburden him. If however, the mourner himself initiates the conversation, we then know that he does indeed feel up to having a conversation. The question then arises, if the mourner is not up to having a conversation, even one of consolation, why then should one even go at all?

Halacha requires that we go to the mourner’s home and do no more than show our face. This is because Chazal knew in their divinely-inspired wisdom, that man needs, benefits and thrives from friendship and social interaction. A mourner in his time of grief feels removed and isolated from the rest of humanity. Hence, the most basic and necessary form of comfort and consolation is to join with him and join him with you; to take part of his grief and be part of his life. Demonstrate to him, in actions that speak louder than words, that even with his loss he is not alone. That is the true consolation that one gives to a mourner. Any verbal consolation is only to enhance this idea.

After the World Trade Center tragedy, a prominent Rosh Yeshiva went to visit one of the bereaved families during their week of mourning. Without saying a word, he sat down, picked up the mourner’s hand and simply began to cry tears from deep within his heart; tears of sorrow and tears of grief; tears of hope and tears of consolation; tears that exemplify “I am with him in distress, I will release him and I will honor him” (Tehillim 95:15). The mourner later revealed that he felt more comforted from this Rosh Yeshiva’s silent tears than from anyone else’s verbal thoughts. Because through these tears he realized and understood that he was not alone in a dark and unfriendly world. On the contrary, they are there for him, and he is a necessary, integral and beloved part of their lives.

This idea holds true in every facet of life. Every simcha, every pain, every issue every point of despair serves as another example of social interdependence. When someone is going through any kind of trial, it is imperative for him to turn to society at large both for advice and moral support. The same is equally true when someone has a simcha. As the famous saying goes, “An occasion becomes a simcha when shared with family and friends.” Can you imagine making a simcha, be it a chasunah, a bar mitzvah, or even a shalom zachor, if you had no one to invite to join you? There is no worse feeling in the world. Man constantly needs someone to whom he can turn, with whom he can share his feelings. The Torah’s statement, “It is not good for man to be alone” (Beraishis 2:18) has absolute truth even in its simple reading.

The wisest of all men taught us that a worry in the heart of a man should be discussed with another to alleviate it (Mishlei 12:25 as per Talmud Sota 42b). Emotions cannot be bottled up inside of one’s self. It’s a lonely feeling to think that one’s plight is insignificant; with no one to turn to and no one to talk to; no one to seek advice from and no one to get support from. And even someone who has the ability to deal with his worries and issues alone, is plagued by the fear that someone will discover his secrets. One who lives in fear of others is never at peace, not with himself, and certainly not with his surroundings. However, one who heeds the mandate of Shlomo HaMelech will take advantage of the plethora of Rabbis, friends and family who are more than ready to lend a hand to help, an ear to listen and a shoulder to cry on. The total and absolute equilibrium that one will discover in his self will be astonishing. He will be at peace with himself, and likewise, his surroundings. His issues may not have been resolved, solutions may not have even been offered, but one’s psyche will be tranquil.

Let’s face it, being a parent of a special child is a task-- A divine one, an honorable one and an altruistic one, but a task indeed. Not a bother nor a pain; not cumbersome nor inconvenient; but nonetheless a task. Often, one must exert all his resources: physical, financial, mental and emotional. It is therefore constructive to engage in this loyal task together with society. Accompanied by his family and friends, he will endure. Most of them will be more than ready to help in any way possible; moral support, advice, an ear to talk to, an extra pair of hands to help, another mind to help brainstorm ideas, and so many other big and little things that make a world of a difference. With every hurdle there will be those who will help; with every triumph there will be those to share the joy. The friendly inquiries about one’s child will take on such meaning; to realize and understand that he is a necessary and wanted member of the community; to comprehend that both he and his child are loved and accepted. This scenario is not just a fairy painting of utopia, but rather a reality for the many whom despite their biggest fear “went public” with their special issue. Hiding behind the guise of “confidentiality” and “proud but private” is not heroic nor commendable, merely self-destructive.

As we all know, the programs, therapy, ResHab and other services that a special child is entitled to are not always so easy to enlist for, or even receive information about. Someone who is caught up in self-imposed solitary confinement will simply not know where to turn. However, there is no need to re-invent the wheel. Many have trodden down this path before and will literally be more than willing and eager to help out with ideas, suggestions, information and tactics gleaned from their experiences. I personally know people who, from their kitchen table, have helped hundreds of others over the years. Just remember, you’re not in it alone, and it is okay if you didn’t think of it yourself.

Likewise, interest, care and concern should be reciprocated. When a therapist meets you after hours and takes the time to inquire about your special child, you should be honored. Appreciate the fact that your child’s therapist is not just in it for the money. She truly loves and is concerned for the well being of your child. Such actions should be noticed, valued and acknowledged. If anyone asks how your child is growing or developing, it means that they care. “How are you doing?” may sometimes be a conversation piece, but “How is your special child doing?” is not. Therefore, the correct and courteous thing would be to at least respond with a smile. Reciprocate the love. Believe it or not, people are concerned and do care about special children.

Moshe, a fifteen year old boy with Down syndrome, comes to my shul every Shabbos and davens in his own special way. His father beams with pride as his son innocently makes his way up to the front of the large shul and takes his seat in front of the Aron Kodesh. There, in front of the entire congregation he does his own thing, talking to Hashem in his own way. In all the years, his father has received one negative comment about his son’s davening. The multitudes of compliments are too numerous to be counted. For the third year in a row, Moshe received the honor of Gelilah (wrapping up the Torah after its reading) on Yom Kippur. This honor was bought for him by different congregants who were moved and motivated by his davening, paying sometimes over two hundred dollars. Moshe is a far cry from a confidential secret. Another boy with Down syndrome that I know had over seven hundred people attend his bar mitzvah celebration.

I know people who used to be secretive and covert. They led their lives in nervousness and uncertainty. They then realized that “proud but private” and “being confidential” are merely euphemisms for “self-consciousness” and “paranoia.” They began to comprehend that their innate desire to remain secretive did not stem from their unassuming personalities. Rather, keeping secret was their way of looking the other way and disregarding their issue. Boruch Hashem, they have since come to understand that parenting special children is absolutely nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed of. They finally came to terms with themselves and their surroundings and are now truly proud to share their child with the outside world. This open door policy allows for peace of mind that encourages greater pride in special children, and therefore greater pride in oneself. May we all attain serenity together with, and via, each other.

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