Parents Speak Out

I was attending a simcha when I had an experience that prompted me to write this article. The well-dressed woman to my right asked, “Where do your children go to yeshiva?” This question often evokes a range of emotions, as my daughter’s needs are best met outside the Jewish educational system. The decision to place my daughter in her school was not an easy one, but it has proven to be positive in many ways. Recently, I decided to sit down with several other parents whose children with special needs are currently attending public or private secular schools to explore our experiences.

Mrs. Sara Stebbin has a 16-year-old daughter who has been diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome. She currently attends a self-contained school that addresses the needs of children with similar issues.

Laura and David Weiner have a 10-old-year child who has medical and social needs, related to a genetic disorder. Their son currently attends a public school program for children with learning disabilities. He is in a self-contained classroom and has a 1-to-1 aide to address his medical issues.

We (Rabbi and Mrs. Berger) have a 10-year-old daughter who has been diagnosed with Pervasive Developmental Disorder. She currently attends a district-wide program specially designed to meet the social, emotional, and educational needs of children on “the spectrum.”

During our meeting, several questions were raised, and several perspectives offered. What follows is a synopsis of the discussion.

How did you reach the decision to seek an educational placement outside of the yeshiva setting?

Mrs. Stebbin explained that her child was expelled from her self- contained class in a specialized yeshiva setting because of some behavioral issues. The Stebbins already felt dissatisfied with the program, even before their daughter was expelled. “We felt that she needed a program which was more specific to PDD than a broad-based Jewish special education program could provide.”

We chimed in and explained that our daughter also attended a self-contained program that was housed in a regular yeshiva. Due to some behavioral issues and her own personal discomfort, an English teacher asked that she not attend classes for several months. During this period, she only attended the morning Hebrew classes. Her school was unable to meet her social needs and was very uncomfortable with some of her unusual and disruptive behaviors. The staff did not have intensive training in working with students with our daughter’s condition and were unable to manage her behavior. Although they used one of their own assistants as her shadow, it was a very difficult experience for everyone involved. At that time, we felt that she would be more successful in a more specialized environment.

The Weiners then explained their situation: For the first part of his schooling, their son was mainstreamed with a shadow into a regular yeshiva class. They then felt that some changes in his program would be beneficial. The Weiners approached a mainstream yeshiva, but the school refused to accept their son—even if accompanied by a shadow--on the basis of his medical and educational needs. After this, they explored a self-contained yeshiva program. The director refused to meet their son after meeting with the Weiners and reviewing his medical needs.

What were your initial reactions upon reaching this decision?

Laura Weiner: “I felt anger, disappointment, and sadness.”

David Weiner: “I felt shock, resentment, and frustration.”

David stated that he feels the local yeshivos do not care about the interests of special-needs kids.

Aviva Berger: “I felt sad because as a baalat teshuva, I felt that the community that I had worked so hard to join, had failed me. I also felt embarrassed in front of friends and family. These feelings have now faded after the positive experiences that we have had with this program.”

Avi Berger: “At the time, I felt that there were no other options and I was upset that our daughter wasn’t going to yeshiva.”

What are the advantages of this [non-yeshiva] placement, both academically and socially?

Avi Berger said that his daughter’s class is smaller, and she is able to receive more attention. He was pleased that in this school, she is able to participate in special activities such as musical instruction.

Sara Stebbin shared that academically and socially, her child’s school has offered excellent opportunities. “My daughter, who has learning disabilities, is now on or above grade level in every subject. This program also weaves social skills into every facet of the day.” She went on to explain that her daughter’s teachers sit with the class at lunch in order to facilitate conversations and ensure that students don’t avoid social situations. She was pleased with this approach, explaining that when her daughter’s class goes swimming at school several times a week, teachers review appropriate behavior and hygiene. These are social and academic skills that students can use outside of school.

Aviva Berger: “I really feel that the academic advantages of this placement include teachers who are well-trained and who have background in very specialized issues. It was a relief to be able to turn to them for advice. In the yeshiva setting, his teachers turned to us.

“The teachers’ professional attitudes are evident in many aspects of this setting. They offer a specially tailored program to meet her needs. Our daughter benefits from a team effort of teachers and therapists and group settings, as well as a group setting for some related services. Our daughter also receives additional support for some mainstreaming opportunities, as there are assistants that not only accompany her into the mainstream class but also offer academic and social preparation in advance.

“She also takes part in activities that are not offered in yeshiva settings, such as extensive computer classes, art, music, and gym. I feel that there is less social failure because she receives so much support and is in a class with other students who have similar social needs and expectations.”

Laura Weiner did not feel there were any advantages, academically or socially, to her child’s current setting at this time.

David Weiner felt that his son benefited from a smaller class and additional assistants. Socially, however, he did not feel that it was beneficial.

What are the disadvantages of this placement?

Avi Berger expressed concern that his daughter is falling behind in Judaic studies. He noted that she is acquiring behaviors, interests, and speech patterns that make him uncomfortable.

Aviva Berger: “I am concerned that her knowledge of Judaic subjects and holidays are minimal compared to that of other siblings who are currently in yeshiva settings. I am also concerned that her experiences and knowledge of cultural expectations is different from those of her peers. She is in a mixed school and is exposed to computers and videos as a part of class work and classroom rewards. Often, to fit in with others, she expresses interest in TV and music, which we do not have at home.”

Laura Weiner explained that her main concern about this program is the social interaction. “The other children in his class are not from our community and my son has minimal interaction with them. I am also concerned that they have very different personality styles from those that my son is used to encountering.” Academically, Mrs. Weiner is concerned that the teaching style used in her son’s class does not address his specific learning issues, such as auditory processing needs.

Sara Stebbin felt that one major disadvantage of having her daughter in a secular placement is that the school operates on a different calendar than the yeshivos attended by her other children. Recently, her daughter’s spring vacation began a week after Pesach, and she missed two weeks of school. Another disadvantage of this placement is that her daughter has very little contact with Orthodox children. All interaction has to take place after school and is hard to plan. She is particularly concerned that her daughter has developed real friendships at school. “She has been socially integrated so well that her closest friends are non-Jewish classmates. We are unsure of how to navigate these issues,” she commented.

David Weiner was concerned that his son is in a placement with students who have behavioral issues and that he has not developed any friends in school.

Has this placement affected your child’s self esteem in any way?

Laura Weiner noted that at age 10, her son is first starting to notice that there are differences between himself, his siblings, and peers in the neighborhood. She explained, “It has just recently begun to affect his self esteem. He knows he doesn’t have friends. He recognizes the difference between himself and his brother, educationally.”

Aviva Berger: “I feel that on a positive note, my daughter’s successes in the areas that are not offered in yeshiva settings have lifted her self-esteem. On a negative note, while we have not given her this message, our daughter often seems ashamed. At times, she has tried to hide the fact that she attends a secular school from other children in the neighborhood.”

Rabbi Berger felt that at times, his daughter’s self esteem seems to be negatively affected. He noted that she often seems to feel different from same-age peers in the community.

How are you addressing your child’s connection with the Orthodox community?

Over the last three years, the Stebbin family has implemented daily learning sessions with a private rebbe and other chavrusas. “Our daughter has also benefited from a special program run by Chabad called the “Goodness Program,” which sends teenagers to spend time with special needs students after school,” she added.

Mrs. Stebbin has found local volunteers very effective in helping connect her daughter to the community. Her daughter loves sports and can interact with people in this manner. The Stebbins also send their daughter to a frum sleep-away camp for children with special needs.

Laura Weiner said that her son has a tutor provided by Chai Lifeline several times a week and that they also try to provide cultural opportunities in their own home. Socially, he has few opportunities, but he may soon take advantage of an after school program offered by Yedei Chesed.

Aviva Berger: “We have a learning rebbe three days a week. Our daughter also has a frum reshab worker and takes part in a social skills group. She attends groups at shul and in the past, has had older teenagers who mentor and learn with her.”

What would you tell other parents considering out-of-yeshiva-placement?

Sara Stebbin felt that it is important to remain open to all opportunities for your children. She explained, “I think that you should not automatically refuse to consider a non-Jewish program. This turned out to be the best decision that we ever made for our daughter. Because of the tremendous social and academic gains that she made in the past three years, we are now able to returen to a regular high school program with a special education component that allows for mainstreaming. If we had left her in the Jewish program that she had attended previously, I don’t think she would have made such gains.”

Aviva Berger: “I would tell parents that I found it beneficial to view school as one aspect of the child’s overall needs. I would also to try to eliminate my own personal feelings of discomfort. The decision to place our child in public school has enabled our daughter to acquire skills that would never have been possible otherwise. However, there are lasting ramifications that are very difficult to encounter. I would tell parents to weigh all of the sides.”

Avi Berger stressed that he would tell parents considering this decision to go with their own instincts.

David Weiner wanted to share with parents that in his experience, “the district is more willing to work with ideas than the yeshiva system.”

There are many different components that go into making a decision about your child’s future. There are many elements, both positive and negative, to yeshiva and secular settings. It may be to your advantage to speak to rebbeim, other parents, educators, reshab workers, and other professionals. The bottom line is, it must be the correct fit for your child.

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